Born in the UK, I grew up in Indonesia and Thailand and then living most of my adult life in the US, the Netherlands and Switzerland, who I am and my life are “colourful”.
My life has been built up of many mixtures: Corporate warrior and business owner, East and West cultures, creative and structured (in many ways), driven by intuition and logic, and many more.
The way I see myself, others and the world, in general, are influenced by these mixtures. It blurs out the illusions that there are “rigid circles” we often group ourselves in. Humans are human, anywhere, and we all want the same thing: to be connected, love, and be loved back.
These mixtures are wonderful elements in my life now. However, I was not always comfortable having these blends. It made me stood out, and I wouldn’t say I liked it. It didn’t feel safe. I used to believe that to belong meant that I could not be too different from others. I was not at ease being the “polka-dotted zebra” that I was.
I also believed that I had to achieve so much to be accepted and to be useful. These were unconscious programs that drove my decisions for decades. These programs were useful for some of my life goals; however, they turned limiting for my wellbeing. For many years, the old beliefs leapt me forward in my life. I left my comfort zones regularly. I learned new things, developed expertise, made great friends, earned a great salary, and recognised a great reputation. Success looked like that to me then.
However, eventually, the efforts took way too much out of me. I remembered the days when I could not appreciate the praises that were offered to me. Instead of taking them all in and be happy with them, setting the bar even higher was what I did. Moreover, under immense pressure, I resorted only to my mind and not both my mind and my heart. The success I got felt…empty. My heart was numbing overtime.
It all ended when I was diagnosed with an early-stage of burn out at the end of 2008. This was a turning point in my life. It was the moment when I started to press my restart button.
Over 2.5 years, I committed to showing up for myself by learning to listen to what I needed and truly fulfil them. I answered my existential questions with an open mind and heart. I attained a lot of help (including from Professionals in many forms of therapy, physically, emotionally, including subconscious mind reprogramming) to be healthier, kinder and loving to myself. I also let go of the belief that others’ needs were more important than mine so I can retain a healthy boundary.
During this period, I redefined what my life is about, which led me to change my success definition. In short, I re-scripted my life book.
I made a conscious decision to walk the path that uplifts me every single day. I decide on one that offers inner peace, joy and contentment, even though these choices are not always the easiest ones. Definitely not one that all people would approve of easily.
I’ve been decluttering my life, everything from my beliefs to my belongings. I changed my career and my lifestyle. The process continues as it is an organic one. I exercise my birthright to choose for what feels joyful for me, and after all, life is about choices and consequences of the choices we go for, right?
There was a lot of work (physically, emotionally and spiritually) in my journey to get here, and it continues. It required investments from myself, in all its form: courage, commitment, energy, time and money.
I was accompanied by a stream of tears of happiness and pain, yet it was all worth it. Most importantly, I experienced the power of forgiving myself and letting go.
I’ve come a long way to shedding fears that hold me back from showing up fully and for being in love with myself. The fundamental difference in my life now is that I decide to do things out of love, more often than not. Not due to fear. Not because I have to prove myself to anyone. Not because people expect me to do something.
I feel energized to continue expanding my self and my world. This time, I am the driver of my life.
I experienced an intense process of reconnecting with myself. Today, I can share what I have learned with others when opportunities present themselves with ease. By no means I am a teacher to anyone. I am simply a student of life who loves sharing.
I’d love to know more about you. Who you are here to be, what you are here to do, what uplifts you and holds you back.
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Thank you for getting to know me. Stay in touch!
Astuti