It’s a wrap!

Around this time every year, I often feel like I am on a  path of crossing a bridge. December always feels like a transition period, filled with hibernating energy all around. 

As I am writing this, I am tuning in to a word I’d use to describe my 2020 journey: “Surrender”.

This word is the closest label I can find to describe the state of being fully present and engaged in life while at the same time being completely unattached to a specific expectation.

Since my mother passed away in spring of 2017, I have been setting up a life where I can work from anywhere I want to while securing enough time to move between continents with ease to spend time with my loved ones – family and close friends.

Whilst every year, I made great progress in doing so, never could I have predicted what has been happening this year. The opposite of movement with ease is what we’ve been experiencing, not only between continent but within my own local environment. Most things that I’ve planned changed. 

For most of this year, I’ve gone through the grief for the loss of opportunity to physically reconnect with my loved ones. This physical connection has been essential for me to support my grieving process for the passing of my beloved mother. It was challenging not to have it. Instead, compounded grief was what I experienced, and this was intense.

By the summer, these compounded griefs created quite an anxiety of the fears to be homeless and dying alone out there. Fears got triggered by actually harmless things. So exhausting as this stayed for almost 2 weeks.

I decided to stop asking myself why things were happening the way it has been. This question didn’t help. The fact is, what happened, happened.
The situation that we’re all in right now will remain for who knows how long.

“The quality of your life correlates with the quality of your questions”, someone said to me once, and she was right.

I ask myself more frequently another question: who can I be and what can I do to make the most of this situation?

2020 was my accelerated path of surrender.

I am doing my best to accept what is, to grief for both my mother and for the loss of my original plan and the opportunities that could not be repeated nor regained (my nephew, Leo, will continue growing and one day he would not be so keen for me to squeeze and cuddle him), to let go of the beliefs I have against surrendering with grace, as well as to learn new life skills better.

I went through a full year of healing and self-discovery, a mindful journey going deeper into my inner world. To facilitate it, I have been using an approach that I was not open to doing until this year: Art.

The Diamond Bridge by Astuti Martosudirdjo

My art teacher, Anni Doré, supported me in channelling how I see and feel about who I am and my life through this collage that you see here; through geometrical shapes, patterns, colours and composition. I worked on this piece for weeks and finally completed it 2 weeks ago.  I call it “The Diamond Bridge”.

Through my heart, I see that my life consists of many bridges, small bridges, big bridges, long and short ones, old and new. Some bridges are going inwards, and some are outwards. The bridges offer opportunities to connect me with myself and the rest of the world.
As I cross each of the bridge, I get to experience a different facet of who I am and my life. There are many facets, just like the facets of a glorious diamond, strong and resilient.

I want to share this with you because you all have been a part of my journey, in your own unique way. THANK YOU.

Thank you for the connections. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for trusting me to support you. THANK YOU.

As I am coming closer to the end of the current bridge, I feel a deep sense of contentment and a voice deep down saying lovingly – “I’m alright.” 

With an open heart, I am sending you my wishes for the holiday season.
May your 2020 conclude and your 2021 start with peaceful and loving energy, connected to your loved ones.
 

With love,
Astuti