I Chose A Spacious Life (Even Without A Map)

I Chose A Spacious Life

(Even Without A Map)

As 2025 comes to a close, I felt called to share this personal reflection: a clear marker of a deep shift that has been almost two years in the making.

I wrote this to honour my own walk… and perhaps, to invite you to reflect on yours too.

At the end of 2023, I found myself saying to myself and a couple of closest friends, “I don’t want to do this work anymore”.
Yet, what I really meant was “I don’t want to live this way anymore”.

In March 2024, on my 50th birthday, I made a choice that would deeply change everything.
I chose a spacious life.
Not necessarily a slower life, though at times, it is.
Not a life of luxury,  though I’d welcome it gratefully when it aligns.

What I chose was a life that no longer felt rigid, rushed or overly structured.
A life that offered space to breathe, to feel, to be.
A life where I would no longer exchange my energy for approval, productivity or safety.
A life where rest is natural and sacred.
Where beauty is lived, not just admired.
Where play is joy in action, not performance.
Where comfort is not earned at the edge of exhaustion but lived in the present moment.
Where love does not have to wait or be delayed until it’s convenient.
Where pleasure is not reserved for later.
Where alignment, not obligation, guides my choices.

This spacious life felt like a distant vision when I chose it.
Now, however, I am living inside it. Day by day. Breath by breath.

In the beginning, I didn’t know how to create and live this spacious life.
There was no manual. No SOP.
There was only the truth: I am no longer willing to overextend or self-sacrifice, no matter what.
I am no longer willing to abandon myself to structures that demanded performance over presence.
I am no longer willing to betray my body for timelines, expectations or currency that cost me my soul and well-being.
I certainly am not willing to face my physical death when it comes with regrets.
I am choosing with all that I am a life that feels peaceful and whole.

So, I began walking.
No job title for this.
No step-by-step plan.
No map.
Just a vow my whole being said yes to: “I will not leave this earth without living the kind of life that honours how deeply I love, feel, create, and rest”.

Over the last 21 months, I went deep into my roots, my core, my essence, and I dismantled what no longer matched that vow.
I cleared the ground. I made space.
Some moments are intense, but most are quiet and invisible to others.
I went through honest and layered remembering of who I am, how I’m meant to feel and what I will no longer sacrifice to belong.

Each wave of remembering brought with it choices – to listen, to let go, to live differently.
I could have denied many of them but I did not.
I chose to honour what arrived, again and again, even when it asked me to walk away from what once felt safe or hopeful.

The truth is I did not create the steps. I did not plan the waves.
The Universe met the vow I made on my 50th birthday and began unfolding the truths I was ready to face.

I walked this path without a map, but never without guidance.
In hindsight, I see that guidance from my own soul was never absent.
It was simply asking me to walk ahead before I could see the road.
Even in the moments I felt physically alone, I was walking together with something greater.
This made all the difference.

What followed the choice was a full rebirth.
Not loud. Not publicly visible. But real. Layered. Deeply alive.

While there were many moments where I created and shared from deep love and inspiration, there were also moments where I didn’t want to offer anything to anyone.
Instead of forcing myself, I listened and I honoured.
I didn’t fall apart.
The gift of this is I simply returned to my true and natural rhythm and pace.

Let me be clear:
I don’t have everything figured out.
This path is still forming beneath my feet as I type this reflection.
Heck yeah, I feel scared too, many times.
Yet, every choice I’ve made; even the invisible ones; has been intentional.

For example, when I choose to work with someone, it’s not from pressure.
It’s not about money.
It’s not about staying relevant.
It’s not from the calling of the obligation to support or help or be useful for others.
It’s not because I have something that others need.

It’s because I feel a clear resonance.
I choose to meet that person, that space, that moment with my full presence. Or not at all.
For me, that is sacred.
When I offer from wholeness, not from pressure, lack, or obligation, the choice becomes alive and true for both of us.
This… is what makes it spacious.

Now, in December 2025, I have emerged from this full rebirth.
Not as someone starting over, but as someone now living what I once could only imagine.
It is so because I surrendered to it back in March 2024 and kept choosing it, even when I didn’t know how it would unfold.

I no longer organise my life from fear of not being enough.
I no longer chase outcomes.
I no longer negotiate with exhaustion.
While I’ve always appreciated structure, I no longer use it to feel safe from love… or from life itself.

The spaciousness I now live was not born from stillness alone.
It was born from the courage to live inside formlessness when no clear or pre-existing structure could hold what I was becoming.
It is, in truth, the courage to live as the structure itself.

I now work in ways that honour my nervous system.
I now choose relationships, spaces and projects that are built from truth, not templates.

This spacious life is not about escaping effort.
It is about no longer proving my worth through it.

Even though the world still moves fast, I take my own sweet time.
I walk clearly.
I walk slowly, when I want to.
I walk in rhythm with my own soul.

From here, I do not return to the life I left, and I no longer try to outrun the mystery of what’s next.
I live it, step by step, from within.
I don’t need to know the ins and outs of what is next.
In fact, even if I try to predict it, I can’t, simply because I’ve never lived this way before.

I trust, instead.
I trust that each aligned choice I make will open something new that allows me to feel spacious in the moment I’m living.
Even when I still have many questions.
Even with mystery.
Even when I feel scared at times.
I am here now living the life I once hoped for but was not sure possible.

I am not here to hustle or chase.
I am not here to push or prove.
I’m no 50 Cent’s “Get Rich or Die Tryin’” 😄
I am someone who returned to a life that feels true… and keeps choosing it as I go.

I chose a spacious life, even without a map.
What kind of life is calling you to choose it even if you don’t yet know how to create and live it?

With love,

Astuti

💛💜

“May the remembrance within you bloom in perfect time”

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Click here for a free Clarity call with Astuti: https://astuti-martosudirdjo.youcanbook.me/

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