The Kitchen Conflict…continued.

It seems my article on the kitchen conflict with my husband resonated with a number of readers.  It turns out that we’re not the only couple having a kitchen conflict.

So I asked myself why does the kitchen generate so much conflict?

My theory is to do with the kitchen being the heart of the home.

In times gone past, the kitchen was the domain of the women in the house.  It’s where our mothers, grandmothers and great grandmothers ruled. They may not have had the financial power, but they provided food for their families from the kitchen.

They decided how to use the money that they were given (in most cases) and what to buy, cook and how and generally the men didn’t interfere, as they were out earning the money and the kitchen was seen as the women’s area.

Even today, when a woman goes into another woman’s kitchen there is an unspoken understanding that this is her domain and as a guest one defers to the hostess. It’s a sign of respect / hierarchy and is never discussed, but implicitly understood amongst women. For example, my mother in law in my kitchen will ask me if she can help and if yes, how exactly she can help. For example, if I want the carrots cut and how- diced or sliced.  I do the same in her kitchen.

Back in my kitchen, my husband wanted to help but was not aware of all the unspoken “rules” or the underlying “hierarchy” that existed. He would come in and not ask how I wanted the carrots cut and do it his way.

He would then get annoyed if I told him I wanted them cut a particular way as he wanted the freedom to do as he has wished. He thought I was being bossy. I got annoyed as I wanted the carrots a certain way as that was how it was meant to be. 

The real issue however was much deeper. I got upset because he hadn’t done what another woman would do. He hadn’t respected my position in the kitchen.

For him the kitchen was a communal space. For me it was MY kitchen.

This was all going on subconsciously without awareness on our parts, and it went on for years. At the time, I just thought I want the carrots like this, and he’s not cooperative.

It was only after many years, when I started to dig deeper to understand what was really going on, that I understood the dynamics that were playing out and the underlying beliefs associated with them.

What I’m sharing is based on my experience. Yours may be different.

Maybe you feel like you’re more easygoing and your partner is the one who gets stressed and why can’t they just relax a bit more.  Whatever the case may be, if there is any sort of conflict or heightened emotions causing the kitchen atmosphere to get tense, it’s worth asking yourself the following:

1. What does the kitchen mean to you (and your partner)?
2. What role do you each play in the kitchen?
3. What is it about your partner’s behaviour or action that you find triggering? “He cut the carrots wrong” or “She is so controlling”
4. What meaning are you attaching to this behaviour / action? “He doesn’t listen” or “I’m an adult, it’s my kitchen too”
5. What is the underlying belief you have about yourself as a result? This can be a rich source of exploration if you dig deeper. “He doesn’t listen. No one listens to me” or “I can’t get things right”

Once you become more aware of your beliefs, you can start to let them go if they no longer serve. There are many ways to do this, for example with Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), journalling or working with a therapist.

On a side note, I am currently studying astrology. Learning about the planetary placements in my astrological chart it’s no wonder why I have had this conflict in my life. It seemed almost destined to happen.

Over the years, there have been much frustration, anger and sadness associated with it, and also many opportunities for my growth and learning, which I can now say I am grateful for. 

I hope you found this helpful and may peace enter into your kitchens. If you have any feedback, I’d love to hear it.

– Julie

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