Victorious us.

When my mother passed away on March 29, 2017, I was reborn.

It was the end of a long chapter—one defined by over-responsibility and self-sacrifice.

A week later, I began a 100-day decluttering journey in my parents’ home, a place untouched for 43 years. When it was finally done, I sat alone in the spacious living room and asked myself: Where do I go from here?

That moment, I made my choice: I will live as authentically as possible for the rest of my life.

What most people didn’t know—including my parents and siblings—was that I had once made an unconscious promise: I will fully live my life only after my parents passed away.

As the eldest, with a mother who was chronically ill and a father who traveled for work often, I became the caretaker. My father was very loving and warm. When he was at home, he put all of his attention to us (my mother and all the three children). When he travelled, there was a big hole that I unconsciously tried to fill, while I was feeling the void myself. 

I carried that weight and it impacted every decision I made for my life until it broke me—burnout in 2008 at age 34.

For nearly a decade after, I unraveled the layers of duty, obligation, and fear that kept me from truly living for me. I healed the beliefs that feed the choice of my life had to wait. And yet, when my mother’s health declined (also experiencing dementia), I chose—this time, from love, not obligation—to be fully present with her. She passed with my sister and me by her side.

Looking at a photo of myself from 2017, I see a woman standing at the edge of the unknown—excited, innocent, and nervous. She had no idea that saying yes to her soul’s calling would lead her through her darkest fears. That she would face moments of such deep pain, she wasn’t sure she’d make it through. And yet, she did. Because her soul told her to.

Through the fire of transformation, she emerged stronger, fuller, more wholesome yet softer. More gentle. More graceful.

The last time I saw my father in 2011 (he passed away eight months later suddenly), he told me:
“You never choose the easy path. And I see why—you grow because of it. But promise me one thing: never let life harden you. You are a beautiful, gentle soul. Never lose that.”

And here I am. Soft. Gentle. At peace.

That, to me, is victory.

Because grace is not the absence of hardship—it’s the ability to remain open-hearted through it. And today, I celebrate that.

I celebrate the empowered feminine energy I now embody.

What are you celebrating today?

Please share, I’d love to hear.

With love,

Astuti

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